ever want

to be what is not
tho difficult and not gratifying
i keep up the desire with a
swallowing and hiding of a deep regret
i found it one day when i really fucked up
it was shiny so i put it in my pocket
and now it is my forever companion
"sometimes i get really sad"
it just rolls over and over
the 'if only' song
we wave goodbye a thousand times before we know what we are really doing
i have 6 images of boyhood i cling to, two of them involve leaves and grass
only 4 of the six do i have to pretend were actually moments of love
the title of want is old i have found
not something of myself, but wholly different and aside from it
a someone who has a real answer
that who whom i prepare to instead of the husk become
a real answer that brings no more questions and not fear
but a satisfaction of knowing, the knowing that it will all be ok
and it was for a reason
the torturous love and acidic and voluminous pain
that is wrought upon each of us
simply by the inclusion in the name human
and in waiting i missed it, i miss it all
and once it has slipped by that moment, this moment
a smile, a small hand grasping at mine for safety, security, for home and love
the trees in the green becoming red from the tops down,
the highest leaves of the sycamores being the oldest fall first
the younger ones near the bottom have to watch
like us, we, if we are lucky enough have to watch as the older ones near the top fall
and prepare us, answers or not
and once missed they are gone, like us, forever
let go say i to me, let it go and see